New determination.

I am beyond exhausted. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but honestly, I felt guilty about not doing my yoga ball exercises.

Now. Here's the thing. My scale? It hates me. And I know it's not about the numbers, but they definitely have something to do with it. I'm gonna reweigh myself in the morning, because I know that's when you're supposed to do it, but things just aren't making sense.

I've missed a few walks because of projects and other odd things I needed to do during my lunch break, but I still have been eating like a saint. And even though I feel these little changes, I just feel like it's not enough, like it's not moving fast enough.

Now, for all of those out there who are concerned with me saying this, I know a steady weight losing goal is 1-2 pounds a week. I'm also far too in love with food to be either anorexic. And who the hell actually enjoys throwing up? Bulimia definitely not a thought here.

It's just aggravating. And every now and then, you gotta vent about it.

All of this aggravation came to a head when I stood myself in front of my bedroom mirror in nothing more than my undies and a sports bra. Everything looked okay. Well, okay for what I'm used to/working towards. Nothings gotten bigger. Then, I did the sickest thing in the planet (and not in the surfer sense).

I started to poke, and prod, and push, and smush . . . and it was a bad time. I literally just dissected myself in front of my mirror, breaking down all the components of my body that I hated, wondering what I'd look like if they'd all just disappear.

And of course, while doing this, I'm listening to Burlesque, so I have this picture perfect mental image of Christina, post baby, rockin' bod in sequins to compare myself to. Honest to god, pushed everything on my tummy in such a way that I found my actual ribs, and my actual hips.

I'm currently about 45 lbs from my goal weight. That's a lot. Like, super daunting. That's about 23 weeks. I'm not looking forward to it.

I realized something though. Beneath all that's here, underneath what I feel uncomfortable with, there's this teeny little thing.

For the next 23 weeks I'm going to need a lot of help, a lot of support, and a lot of of people's patience. I'm a little prone to breakdowns when I feel helpless, but I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to waste my time saying "I can't do this, it's too much" I just want to get it done, and get it done right.

I'm half tempted to put myself on a seriously strict diet. Plan out meals the week in advance, stick to it, and try to eat my best while knowing that it's not okay to completely let myself forget that I love food. It's okay to love food. I've just gotta find balance again.

Also, please let this be noted: I want to say right now that I know what "scary-skinny" is. I'm hoping I know my body well enough not to drive myself into this craze of "I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough." I also know though, that especially in cases like mine, where a significant amount is lost in such a short time that things can go wrong. I'm hoping that I know and love enough people in this world though that if I ever get like that, they can talk me down, be my anchors and bring me back to a level of normalcy.

Um. Yeah. So that's my 1:30am rant.

I'm done playing these games with myself. Time to get serious.

Baby Orca . . . I no longer feel like one!

It's amazing what a little determination, healthy eating, and walking does for the body. Still hovering at one constant weight for now, but I'm kinda okay with that. I've been doing my yoga ball exercises (a few different push-ups, and a few different ab moves) every other night, and I've been going on walks every day.

Insert side note here: Can I just say, I love having two jobs where they let me eat at the desk? I know I've posted this on Facebook before, but it honestly does make a world of a difference. So many people I know take their lunch break to actually eat. I prefer to use mine to get completely away from the desk, out of the building, and even down the road a bit. My heels are often covered in blisters (in desperate need of new sneakers), but I couldn't be any happier.

Lately, I've just felt very . . . round. It's kinda been a problem, and took quite the toll on the self esteem for a while. My mother made a comment the other day though that made me very happy. I had just gotten back from yet another epic walk, and it had started to rain. I came up to her room and started talking/kinda complaining about the fact that my feet were pretty waterlogged, and she said to me "Well, if it's any consolation, you're starting to look trimmer. Your collarbones are really coming back."

Now. Okay. For most people, collarbones are just kinda, there. Whatever. Nothing too great about them. Me though . . . I know this is weird, but I honestly think it's one of the sexiest parts on the human body. I mean, if you think about it, there are so many angles that are so hard and soft at the same time in that one little area. There's curves, and structure, and I just think it's hot. Pretty much.

When I was a kid, I always tried to pose myself in pictures to get the faintest resemblance of collarbones, and it was difficult, because I was really a porker then (almost as round as I was tall) . . . (can we tell I really didn't like myself?).

Now though, they're just . . . there. Making themselves more and more prominent by the day. My jawline is slimming down a bit too, which is also a huge deal. My face used to be super round. Like, oval.

See that? Yeah. Super round face. That was prom, my senior year of high school. And then, somehow, through lots of hard work, I discovered that I had I actually had a very square jaw line.

See that sucker? That was literally right after I had landed at JFK, so I was a little weepy. Haha. Granted, my jaw isn't that slender just yet, but it's definitely making it's way back.

I have started to notice other areas though that I would love to tweak, so now I'm on a mission to find the perfect exercises to help tone. Mainly my upper/inner thighs. I've got my arms covered, I've got total ab region covered, and for the most part, I have my legs covered from all the walking I do, but I just wanna do some extra toning.

I even got some tanning in, so I'm getting more and more set for bathing suit season.

Slowly but surely. :)

((PS. I can actually look in a mirror now in just a tank and my undies, and not totally want to gag! So definite improvement there. Hahaha.)) 

Baby Orca. I feel like one.

Oh, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last blog. Bad blogger. Bad.

Honestly, not much has been going on. Junior year ended, which was a relief, but I hit this phase of "OH MY GOD, I HAVE A WEEK OFF, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE!?" (And yes, for those of you who care, caps lock was necessary for that.)

I ended up going for a lot of walks, which was really nice. Remember that beastly hill I mentioned a few posts ago? Not so beastly anymore. :) Granted, I'm still huffing and puffing on my way up, but I don't feel like my lungs are about to give out. That alone is making me feel better about what I've been doing. 

This past weekend though was a bit rough. Went to NYC, didn't really go out on as many walks as I had been, and kinda ate not so bueno. We went to a pizza place, which was featured on the Food Network (that was actually in Danbury), we went to a pizza place for slices in the city (one of my Aunt's go-to places for a slice), we went to this amazing place called Rice to Riches (who can't love a place where they call rice pudding toppings "Jesus Droppings") aaaaaaand, to top it all off, we went to the Chinese buffet to celebrate Mother's Day with Gram.

Needless to say, not a good eating weekend. Or a good weight losing weekend.

I'm on a vendetta now though, after all that, I'm making salads religiously. 

Also, work is starting up. Now, most people think "Oh, great, she's gonna be stuck in the office all day long, and not get out to do anything." The thing is though, I have two epic jobs. Both of them, I'm allowed to eat at my desk. Both of them, I get a half hour lunch break. I did the same thing last summer, eat during work hours, and go for a walk during the break. I'm gonna do it every day, damnit. Rain or shine. There's a gym here on campus, literally 50 feet from one of my offices. They have treadmills. So even when it's thundering and lighting . . . ing, I'm gonna get my ass up and get moving.

I've also discovered a new move with the yoga ball that I'm just head over heels in love with. Hurts like a beast, but I definitely feel it. I think it's called a pike, but don't quote me on that. Basically, I lay with the yoga ball under my hips, put my elbows on the ground, and use my lower body to roll my knees up onto the yoga ball. And can I just say . . . holy shizznit. 

I definitely have baggage around the middle, and when I do crunches, I only ever feel like I'm working out my upper abs, and never my lower. With these pikes, I feel it right from the pelvic bone to my belly button. For me, that's phenomenal, because that's the area I wanna focus the most on. So any toning I can get in, bring it on.

So, that's my discovery as of late. Pikes are godly. And hellish. All at once.

Oh, and? My walking buddy is home for the summer. :) So every day after work, we're gonna try to get out there and hike around. There's so many cool places to walk by us, with the trail the town put on the old railroad tracks, the trails that run along the indian preservation, and the nice steady road with that bugger of a hill. Every day, it's gonna be a new adventure.

And damnit, I'm gonna be hot this summer. Suck on that, genetics. Bathing suit bod, here I come!