Be Love, Rise Above

Well. This semester has certainly been interesting. Very, very quickly, everything (and I mean everything) that I've ever worked hard for quickly started to spin out of control and spiral into a whirling pool of chaos. 

There were some definite highlights, and there still will be, as the semester has yet to end, but some things that have changed won't be right again for a long time yet.

My weight loss progress had taken a backseat, and though I'm now discovering that my weight only fluctuated a few pounds, I haven't actually gained anything. Which is good, considering all the stress-eating I've been doing. Which is not so good.

This past weekend, I visited my friend Hayden who just recently became a certified tattoo artist. While there, she had her equipment already set up, ready to go, as she was expecting to tattoo another friend of ours. When things didn't work out with the friend for that afternoon, Hayden and I talked and talked, and talked a bit more, and bitched about a few things when I finally looked at her and said "Well, ink me."

She seemed taken aback at first, not sure if I was serious or not, and then she gave me what she calls the "Friend talk" of "don't let yourself be pressured into this, make sure it's something you really want . . . tomorrow's another day."

Thing was . . . I knew I wasn't walking out of her house without a tattoo on my body. It would be my first.

While I watched her tattoo herself, I sat and contemplated what I wanted, and then it hit me, like a ton of bricks.

For several years now, I've wanted the phrase "Be Love" written on the inside of my wrist. It began when I read a post on Jason Mraz's blog about how the only way to truly find love is to love yourself first. But it's more than just loving yourself, it's about embodying the very essence of love, radiating it, and sharing your love with the world around you. I thought this was a very moving thought, and immediately knew that was what I wanted.

Jump ahead three years later, and so much shit has happened in my life, not so great things, and especially with the way my life is going right now, I needed this tattoo more than ever. Not wanting my other wrist to be naked, I remembered something that my mother told me. When I went through horrible heartbreak, my mother lifted my chin, stared me in the eyes and said "Don't let him do this to you. Be the phoenix."

It's something that I've been telling myself every day since that day.

So, the matching set of tattoos that I've gotten are as follows: "Be Love," "Rise Above."

Slowly, so slowly, I'm getting things figured out. I'm trying to force the pieces back together, get my life back on track and drag myself out of this pile of muck and apathy that has become my life. I'm starting to care about the little things again, about getting my health back into perspective, about getting my homework done, about graduating - but it's a slow process. 

Every day, I try to take a step forward, and it's hard. It's really hard. But then I look at my wrists, my beautiful reminders to be the love that I know I am capable of giving. To rise above this time of my life, and push on. 

I have things that I want. I am an ambitious girl. I will not let myself forget this. And I will push on. I will thrive, I will be that phoenix, and I will rise above the ashes of the darkest times of my life.

I actually am getting a phoenix next. And I can't wait to let Hayden mark me once more. I'm making it my reward. My reward for getting my life back on track, for starting to lose weight again, for pushing through this last month of school and getting my life together.