Here's to Rock Bottom.

It's easy to get lost in the moment when everything else in your life keeps you insanely busy. 

It's easy to get lost in the moment when everything else in your life seems so wonderful and perfect.

It's easy to get lost in the moment when baking, and drawing, and dating and living all seem to just fill up every waking moment and each other decision is made more or less on a whim without much thought.

And it's so damn easy to just ignore what you want to, thinking that it doesn't matter until you look at yourself in the mirror and are forced to ask yourself where the hell it all went wrong.

At first, a few extra pounds here and there were to be expected. I mean, I had just started a new relationship. We were enjoying ourselves, eating whatever we wanted and not caring. Treating each other to new things and doing whatever because we could. Then money got a little tight. And the focus then shifted to "well, what can I afford?" All while thinking, it's okay, I can do this, I'll get back in shape as soon as I can afford better food.

Next thing you know, you're making choices, awful choices, because you don't think it matters. That it'll be easy to change back once everything is back on track. Once you get a more regular schedule. Once you start sleeping more. Once you start working less. Once you have more time. Once you have more money. 

It's all a lie.

You get complacent. You think, I'll give myself this, I'll give myself to the end of the week and I'll start again. I'll start fresh. And for two days, you start your plan. Only to binge. Only to ruin your plan. Only to gain five more pounds for the one that you lost. 

Yo-yo-ing is horrible. In the past 5 years I've lost almost 30 pounds only to gain 20 of it back. 

Granted, I haven't gained it all back, because I'm recognizing the signs, but I officially feel as though I've hit rock bottom. And it's not about society thinking I'm overweight. It's not about my need of thinking I have to be hot for my boyfriend. It's not about competing with my thinner friends like it used to be. 

Guys. I feel like shit. That's all this is. I feel like absolute garbage. I wear pajama jeans to work. Yeah. That's right. I admitted it. I own a pair of pajama jeans. Because my ass has gotten to big to fit into every other pair of jeans I own, and I hate the constriction of them on my gut and ass while I'm bending over, and how my gut hangs over the edge of them insanely noticeably in my work shirt. 

Chunk is back. With a vengance. And it feels awful.

The first step to recover is admitting your problems, correct? Well. Time to lay shit bare.

Every single pound that I tried so hard to lose over the past year and a half has come back. And it sucks. I'm not ashamed to admit it, it's a fact. I'm ashamed that I let it get this far though. So. Guess who's back with a fucking vengeance? This girl. I'm blogging again. Hardcore. Welcome to my vendetta against my obesity. I will fight it. And I will get stronger. I will not be dragged to where I was. I will not resort to my "comfy place" and hide from my problems because I don't feel up to it, or don't have time. 

I'm done with this. I'm not going to be all "oh, it's okay" anymore either. Shit is getting real. It's getting personal, raw and dirty. Welcome back to my life, my lovely readers, as I again make the journey. Start fresh, get healthy and work my literal ass off to do better. If you're having problems too, if you feel like you need to lose weight, then message me, let me know on facebook or text me or whatever, and we can start an email system of support. Weekly email updates. Whatever. If you want to make a change too, then join me. I'll share everything I know.

Here's to starting it all again. Here's to better health and fighting for the dreams I used to love so dearly. Here's to the fourth and fifth and sixth chances we all want. Here's not not being ashamed of admitting defeat, and here's to being the conqueror who fights and fights and refuses to give up.

Bring it. You know I will. 

Be love. Rise above.