Sometimes. Life happens. Sometimes it's a wonderful life. Sometimes, it's dark and miserable. Yet, no matter what kind of life happens, I always try to remind myself to see the silver lining, to see that there's a better tomorrow, to see that there's so much love to give and receive every day.
Sometimes though, trying is just too damn hard.
Sometimes, life decides to be miserable.
And sometimes, it honestly looks like there's absolutely no end in sight.
This has been my year. Well. The last 9 months at least.
Bad news just seems to be lingering over our entire family this year. And month after month, something new works it's way through the grapevine. News of a heart attack. News of a stroke. News of a broken hip. News of renal failure. News of passing. News of incurable disorders. News of once cured diseases returning. News of great fires ruining multiple generations of work. News that's it's time to prepare yourself again, that the worst isn't over yet.
I've made it my life's mission, that whenever I'm in the presence of my family, I will be strong. I will be the jokester. I will make them smile because I honestly feel it's the only thing I can do. And when it comes time to cry, I will cry. I will grieve. I will mourn. Because I know I'm allowed to. But until that time comes, I don't feel like I deserve to cry. Because my family, who is there together, fighting every day to do their best, to keep their heads above water, and to just make it through the end of the day without throwing in the towel . . . they're the ones that deserve to cry. They're the ones that deserve to just sink into the pool of disarray that has befallen our family and just weep. They may not choose to, because our blood is strong. We show weakness only when it can't be contained anymore. But that is choice.
And I've tried. I've been there when I could be. I've let them know just how much I wish I could be there more, but at the end of the day, I'm exactly where I need to be, no matter how hard it hurts. I've spent the last year on so many planes. On so many adventures. Bouncing back and forth from hospital to hospital. For my family and for myself.
And it's just been exhausting.
For the last couple of weeks, I've just been hiding. Comprehending. Feeling. Trying not to feel. Trying to resume life. Trying to work towards a brighter future.
And honestly, about a week ago. I just gave up.
I was done fighting. I was done trying to get back up. I was done trying to look for the silver lining of all of this because honestly, I knew that the worst wasn't over yet. And even now. I'm still trying to tell myself that it's okay to be miserable for a bit. I know I don't have it the worst, and I will never try to proclaim that. But everyone needs time to grieve. And just be sad. And just acknowledge that it's okay when life gets hard, even when there doesn't seem to be any lesson to be learned.
My pursuit of physical happiness hit a screeching halt about 2 months ago. It started with the passing of a family member. And then my own doctors appointments.
Turns out, all that was wrong with me, all that is still wrong with me, is just life. It's irritable bowel disorder. I can stay away from spicy food. I can stay away from raw veggies, particularly lettuce. I need to stay away from dairy. And not over eat. And not have things that are too greasy. And not panic about where the next rest stop is should I get what I've dubbed "the gurgles." I could go on and on about things that I should and shouldn't be doing. But I won't. Because it's exhausting.
Doing what I had to do to come to this conclusion was exhausting.
These last nine months have just been exhausting.
I don't know if I'm ready to start looking towards the future yet. But while I'm finally home, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to apply for jobs. Trying to see if maybe, just maybe, I can start focusing on my health again. I worked out today. For the first time in almost 2 months. Felt good. Actually looking forward to tomorrow's work out.
I'm tired. That's all. I'm so tired of fighting. And for once, I just want to give in for a little bit. Just for like, a week or two. And then I'll start the fight again. I'll smile more. I'll be me. I promise. Just give me this week.
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