System Reboot.

Oh. Hey.

Long time no write.

Pretty typical story with me. I start a blog, I keep up with it for a while, and then I just drop off the face of the planet. Blogging and me have never really gotten along very well. Honestly, when I originally wrote this blog as was posting at least once a week, if not more, I was surprised with myself that I actually kept up with it.

Unfortunately, I've slipped. Hard. Fast. I mentioned it in a couple of posts ago that I'd hit rock bottom, that everything seemed like the world was ending and that I needed to change it. I guess, though, there's always a new way to define rock bottom.

In a nut-shell, I'm not doing well. I've been all over the place with trying to lose weight. Ever since my last post about wanting to be Vanille for Tora-Con 2013, which actually isn't happening anymore. Not that I'm not going (I hope I can!), but the group has changed significantly, and it doesn't look like Final Fantasy XIII is even on the roster for cosplay plans.

^ ADD tangent.

But in all serious-ness, things have gotten bad. And I'm not sure if it's something I've personally screwed up, or if it's my body just finally rejecting all of my pathetic attempts to drop a pound here and there. I'm sick, not like, dying sick, but there is something seriously out of whack with my digestive system that I've actually been forced to seek medical attention for.

The scary thing?

They don't even know what's wrong with me yet.

I've had a whole blood panel run to check for Crohn's Disease, Celiac, Liver Disease, Pancreas problems and Gall Bladder Disease. I'm sure there were more tests run, but those are the ones I specifically remember.

Everything came back clear.

I've also had an abdominal ultrasound done. The technician couldn't get a good read on my gall bladder because she said it was contracted, even though I had followed their instructions of not eating after midnight. I have yet to get news of the results from my doctor.

My mother thinks it's gall bladder. And I really hope it is. if I have to live with what's going on for the rest of my life, with some discouraging label of IBS . . . I really don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself. Because yes, I feel like it's partially my fault.

I may or may not have tried just about every horrible thing for your body within the last 3 months. Including what would technically be labeled as anorexia. Which, coming from the girl who claimed she would never do such a thing, is pretty damn hypocritical. Never ventured into bulimia - but it doesn't mean I didn't think about it.

At one point, I had even looked on Tumblr's "Pro Ana" tags to find things to help get me started.

Shake the fingers at me. Go ahead.

It was stupid, I know. And I'm paying for it. Maybe what's going on with my body right now is completely unrelated to my failed attempts at every weight loss gambit, but it doesn't excuse what I did, nor does it really help make the situation any easier to think about.

The true coward in me was looking for an easy out. Something that the smart me knows isn't possible. The coward in me wanted to completely erase all of the posts from this blog, and restart - like my amazing success, and then drop into what has happened never actually occurred. That I'm just some new blogger trying to express herself and her fears about weight loss.

But the brave part of me told that cowardly bitch to fuck off. That I've been through hella worse, and that the only way to make this all better is to own up to my failures. To take responsibility for what I've done to my body. And to fight once more for balance and peace within myself.

I need a system reboot. More than ever. I'm feeling better than I have in months, aside from being sick. I have less and less days where I feel like a whale. Not because my weight has changed any, but because I know that regardless of what I look like, I'm loved. And there's someone in this very home with me that still thinks I'm sexy.

But, as much as I understand that, mentally, I need to be there physically too. I don't want to be sick any more. And until doctors can pinpoint exactly what it is that's ailing me, I'm taking matters into my own hands.

I'm starting over, one step at a time.

Tomorrow starts day 1 of my first cleanse. And no, none of this lemonade diet shit.

I'm talking pure veggies and fruits. Me and my blender are going to be BFF's. And after 3 days of pure veggie and fruit loving, I'm going to start treating my body right again. Slowly adding in the healthy fats. The lean proteins. The slow digesting carbs. Everything that I should have been doing from be beginning, everything that I had originally started doing on the 17 day diet.

And it's time for some freaking exercise, bitches. Time to get off of my very round booty and tone that sucker. Time for picture updates. Time for Tumblr Fitblr stalking. Time to make it right again.

I sure as hell hope that I can take some of you along with me on this journey. Because honestly, I need my supporters now more than ever.

Another post to follow tomorrow night after my first cleanse day. <3