Here's to Rock Bottom.

It's easy to get lost in the moment when everything else in your life keeps you insanely busy. 

It's easy to get lost in the moment when everything else in your life seems so wonderful and perfect.

It's easy to get lost in the moment when baking, and drawing, and dating and living all seem to just fill up every waking moment and each other decision is made more or less on a whim without much thought.

And it's so damn easy to just ignore what you want to, thinking that it doesn't matter until you look at yourself in the mirror and are forced to ask yourself where the hell it all went wrong.

At first, a few extra pounds here and there were to be expected. I mean, I had just started a new relationship. We were enjoying ourselves, eating whatever we wanted and not caring. Treating each other to new things and doing whatever because we could. Then money got a little tight. And the focus then shifted to "well, what can I afford?" All while thinking, it's okay, I can do this, I'll get back in shape as soon as I can afford better food.

Next thing you know, you're making choices, awful choices, because you don't think it matters. That it'll be easy to change back once everything is back on track. Once you get a more regular schedule. Once you start sleeping more. Once you start working less. Once you have more time. Once you have more money. 

It's all a lie.

You get complacent. You think, I'll give myself this, I'll give myself to the end of the week and I'll start again. I'll start fresh. And for two days, you start your plan. Only to binge. Only to ruin your plan. Only to gain five more pounds for the one that you lost. 

Yo-yo-ing is horrible. In the past 5 years I've lost almost 30 pounds only to gain 20 of it back. 

Granted, I haven't gained it all back, because I'm recognizing the signs, but I officially feel as though I've hit rock bottom. And it's not about society thinking I'm overweight. It's not about my need of thinking I have to be hot for my boyfriend. It's not about competing with my thinner friends like it used to be. 

Guys. I feel like shit. That's all this is. I feel like absolute garbage. I wear pajama jeans to work. Yeah. That's right. I admitted it. I own a pair of pajama jeans. Because my ass has gotten to big to fit into every other pair of jeans I own, and I hate the constriction of them on my gut and ass while I'm bending over, and how my gut hangs over the edge of them insanely noticeably in my work shirt. 

Chunk is back. With a vengance. And it feels awful.

The first step to recover is admitting your problems, correct? Well. Time to lay shit bare.

Every single pound that I tried so hard to lose over the past year and a half has come back. And it sucks. I'm not ashamed to admit it, it's a fact. I'm ashamed that I let it get this far though. So. Guess who's back with a fucking vengeance? This girl. I'm blogging again. Hardcore. Welcome to my vendetta against my obesity. I will fight it. And I will get stronger. I will not be dragged to where I was. I will not resort to my "comfy place" and hide from my problems because I don't feel up to it, or don't have time. 

I'm done with this. I'm not going to be all "oh, it's okay" anymore either. Shit is getting real. It's getting personal, raw and dirty. Welcome back to my life, my lovely readers, as I again make the journey. Start fresh, get healthy and work my literal ass off to do better. If you're having problems too, if you feel like you need to lose weight, then message me, let me know on facebook or text me or whatever, and we can start an email system of support. Weekly email updates. Whatever. If you want to make a change too, then join me. I'll share everything I know.

Here's to starting it all again. Here's to better health and fighting for the dreams I used to love so dearly. Here's to the fourth and fifth and sixth chances we all want. Here's not not being ashamed of admitting defeat, and here's to being the conqueror who fights and fights and refuses to give up.

Bring it. You know I will. 

Be love. Rise above.

Be Love, Rise Above

Well. This semester has certainly been interesting. Very, very quickly, everything (and I mean everything) that I've ever worked hard for quickly started to spin out of control and spiral into a whirling pool of chaos. 

There were some definite highlights, and there still will be, as the semester has yet to end, but some things that have changed won't be right again for a long time yet.

My weight loss progress had taken a backseat, and though I'm now discovering that my weight only fluctuated a few pounds, I haven't actually gained anything. Which is good, considering all the stress-eating I've been doing. Which is not so good.

This past weekend, I visited my friend Hayden who just recently became a certified tattoo artist. While there, she had her equipment already set up, ready to go, as she was expecting to tattoo another friend of ours. When things didn't work out with the friend for that afternoon, Hayden and I talked and talked, and talked a bit more, and bitched about a few things when I finally looked at her and said "Well, ink me."

She seemed taken aback at first, not sure if I was serious or not, and then she gave me what she calls the "Friend talk" of "don't let yourself be pressured into this, make sure it's something you really want . . . tomorrow's another day."

Thing was . . . I knew I wasn't walking out of her house without a tattoo on my body. It would be my first.

While I watched her tattoo herself, I sat and contemplated what I wanted, and then it hit me, like a ton of bricks.

For several years now, I've wanted the phrase "Be Love" written on the inside of my wrist. It began when I read a post on Jason Mraz's blog about how the only way to truly find love is to love yourself first. But it's more than just loving yourself, it's about embodying the very essence of love, radiating it, and sharing your love with the world around you. I thought this was a very moving thought, and immediately knew that was what I wanted.

Jump ahead three years later, and so much shit has happened in my life, not so great things, and especially with the way my life is going right now, I needed this tattoo more than ever. Not wanting my other wrist to be naked, I remembered something that my mother told me. When I went through horrible heartbreak, my mother lifted my chin, stared me in the eyes and said "Don't let him do this to you. Be the phoenix."

It's something that I've been telling myself every day since that day.

So, the matching set of tattoos that I've gotten are as follows: "Be Love," "Rise Above."

Slowly, so slowly, I'm getting things figured out. I'm trying to force the pieces back together, get my life back on track and drag myself out of this pile of muck and apathy that has become my life. I'm starting to care about the little things again, about getting my health back into perspective, about getting my homework done, about graduating - but it's a slow process. 

Every day, I try to take a step forward, and it's hard. It's really hard. But then I look at my wrists, my beautiful reminders to be the love that I know I am capable of giving. To rise above this time of my life, and push on. 

I have things that I want. I am an ambitious girl. I will not let myself forget this. And I will push on. I will thrive, I will be that phoenix, and I will rise above the ashes of the darkest times of my life.

I actually am getting a phoenix next. And I can't wait to let Hayden mark me once more. I'm making it my reward. My reward for getting my life back on track, for starting to lose weight again, for pushing through this last month of school and getting my life together.

I spent money today. And I regret nothing.

First, I decided I needed a new pair of sneakers. The ones I currently have (though they've been to Europe and back) give me blisters when I go hardcore walking. Got some Nike cross-trainers, which fit like a dream and I'm so excited to break those suckers in. Go me!

Secondly, I finally decided it was bra shopping time. Out with the (not so) old and in with the new! On to positive body image and loving who I am for me. No more playing games, no more "Well. I'm a B cup, but I look like a D!" 

No no no. None of that.

Today, I got a new bra. I actually got four. But I'm so in love with the one that's currently on my body that I may have to go exchange two of the four I bought. We shall see. 

Anywho. 

The bra I got? It's called the Ella, from American Eagle.

My size? 34 (drumroll please) . . . C.

How it happened, I have no idea. I put on a 34B (because I knew I was getting tired of my ta-tas sliding out from under the band) and decided that I must still be a B, well, because I've been losing weight, right? I even grabbed an A, just in case. Apparently not. 

I put on the B, thinking it was the A, and lo and behold - I had a serious case of what I like to call "muffin boob." You know how when you get "muffin top" your love-handles hang over your jeans? "Muffin boob" is when you buy the wrong size bra, and your ta-tas look like they're trying to escape from the constraints - and not in a good way either.

Mind. Blown.

I walked out into the little fitting area, and a sales associate just so happened to walk in. So she looked at me, asked me if I needed any help, and I just stared at her, second guessing myself, before meekly saying "I think I need a 34C . . ."

I tried that sucker on and just couldn't believe my eyes. I was in love with a bra. And not just any bra. A non-padded bra. Goodbye "adds 2 cup sizes" and hello "HOLY SHIT, WATCH THAT CORNER!"

No longer will I survive an 18 wheeler running me over, as I have previously joked with my friends about my other bras. 

I'm honestly over the moon. So damn happy. And my boobs look awesome, in all of their itty-bitty glory. I'd post a picture, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. Hahaha. 

Currently in love with life. That is all. <3

Tehehehe. I love what my body does sometimes.

LOOK AT THOSE SUCKERS!

I just needed to post this because I love how delicate my upper body is becoming. Just. Saying.

Also, you'd be proud of me. I've worked out for the past 6 of eight days.

That is all. :)

Skinny body means skinny people clothes.

. . . I'm kinda liking this concept.

I've always been one of those people who said "Well, I can't wear that, because it just wasn't made for my figure." You know, those cute oversized shirts that look amazing on small figures, but like they add 15 pounds on a heavier set girl? Or those super slinky dresses that make heavier set girls feel like they've been stuffed into a sausage skin?

With this whole "body acceptance" movement that's spreading like wildfire across the internet, many people would comment on how "you've always been able to wear those clothes, because you're beautiful no matter what!" Here's the thing though. I do love my body. Regardless of that though, there are still certain clothes that are designed to flatter different figures. So many times I've wanted to wear low-cut tops that were just designed for girls with bigger boobs. And back then, it made me really upset. I just couldn't understand why designers made clothes that only fit one kind of body style. But then I realized, I just wasn't looking at the right clothes for my body.

Realizing that clothes aren't made for you has nothing to do with body acceptance, I don't think at least. I digress.

So. I don't know if I've written about this already, but I bought a bikini a few weeks ago. Something I've never done before. It's always been "Well. Ew. Who the hell wants to look at me half naked?"

Hahaha. Yeah. Guess what? I like the way I look better in my undies than with clothes on. This summer? This hard working woman is going to get out and hit as many pool sides and beaches as she can in her little zebra/animal print bikini. I still have certain parts of my body that I know I want to work on, but hey. It's only early spring. This girl's got time.

I've also gone back to working out hardcore. I've started marking off on my white board calendar the days that I've worked out, and I'm hellbent on making most of march covered in little pink x's. I feel better, significantly, than I have in the past few weeks. Shit kinda hit the fan, spun around a bit, and splattered around my life. It wasn't good. The good news? I'm working on me now. I'm working on making myself a better person and trying to move forward from everything. It can only go up from here.

That being said, my attitude towards my body has significantly improved over the last week as well. Things are still shrinking, as noted by my tape measure, and though I know I still have a ways to go, I'm happy with where things are going.

My current mission? I have a dress. A beautiful, lace crochet dress from American Eagle that I bought a few weeks ago. When I put it on, I have a little tummy roll, but it's actually not too bad. I was planning on wearing it to the Student Art Show at the end of the month and have two options: I can a) wear a shaper to get rid of the little bump and just deal with it, or b) work my ass off to get rid of it.

I'm kinda more in favor of choice b honeslty. And for the next 10 days, I'll be home. Which means no homework, nothing that I don't want to do (though I do have to paint a bit, but I enjoy that way too much), and all of the free time in the world to work out.

Guys. I feel so close. I really do. Just. A few more things. Just a little bit further. I can do this. I am doing this. 2012 is going to be my year, and there's no way I'm going to let anyone or anything stand in my way. Not even myself.

Well. Life certainly is interesting.

I really do find it quite interesting (albeit frustrating) that life can go from simple to pandemonium in a matter of a few weeks.

Once upon a time, I got sick. Things were pretty bad to start, I wasn't working out as much as I wanted to, and often felt more like I was going to die afterwards than actually feel better, so I stopped. I still kept track of my calories though.

Then, the stress of the sickness and having missed classes started to get to me. I was suddenly behind, not just a little, but somehow, extraordinarily significantly. Not to mention that the student show was just around the corner and I had work I had to do to finish my pieces. Several times I had to call into work and my internship to say that I simply couldn't make it in. Either I was sick and exhausted from not getting enough sleep, or I was overworked and still had so much left to do.

It made me feel guilty for not going to class, for not going to work, for feeling like crap and not knowing how to get myself out of it. I started losing track of my diet. Sleepless nights required more energy (this past weekend, I kid you not, I got 7 ours of sleep from Saturday to Monday - three hours on Saturday, four on Sunday, and luckily six Monday night, but only because I slept through my alarm). More energy meant more snacking, more coffee, more caffeine. I started drinking soda again by the liters, just trying to help myself stay awake in any way possible.

Stress kept piling up, and next thing I know, my sanity is on the brink of total destruction. Now, I get stressed. Everyone does. Normally, I'd like to say that I can handle stress relatively well, when it's one or two things that's going on. Relatively. Often times I have to call my mother, she has to tell me to calm down and have a square of chocolate, go work out, or basically just do something else to force that stress away from me.

Overall, six things over the past few weeks have been snowballing together. I'm behind in these classes, I'm behind on that project at work, this didn't go the way I planned it to, my credit card bill is out the roof, and I have to borrow money from my parents.

I finally had a full blown panic attack and felt that the only way to get things sorted out was to call my doctor and discuss what has been going on. His response was simple: "You're burnt out. You're overloaded and" - this was his analogy - "it's as if you're trying to run the Boston marathon, starting at a sprint." He reaffirmed what I always knew, that I set unrealistic goals for myself and in the end, end up hurting more people, and myself, than I'm helping.

Now, unfortunately, I'm in the midst of a battle with my college, as I basically have to drop out of my internship, mid-semester to relieve some of the stress I've placed on my schedule (40 hours a week plus being a full time student). And yes, it is for medical reasons. My blood pressure has actually been increasing apparently since this started. It still falls in the "normal" range for healthy, but it's definitely something my mother, my doctor and I are concerned about. I do have another one lined up, but there's complications, and I'm honestly not sure if they've ever had a student do this. One of the factors that threw me into a tailspin was the fact that my coordinator essentially told me to deal, and that this stressful situation would actually be a good learning experience for me.

. . . I beg your pardon?

If I were in any other career that was negatively impacting my physical and mental health, I honestly wouldn't stay. My two weeks notice would be in, and I'd be figuring out what I needed to do to take care of myself. This, I feel, is something they should also be preparing us for, not just our experience at the internship, but our experiences should something go wrong. I could continue to rant, but knowing that it's inappropriate and at this stage, I can't really have anything biting me in the butt, I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

Basically, this is what I've been up to for the past few weeks, since my last update. I've gone into full-blown survival mode, and unfortunately, my health has taken a serious nose-dive. My weight is still hovering at a consistent area, which is fine by me - at least I'm not gaining weight which I know stress often makes me do.

I'm hoping, that by removing myself from 16 hours of stress (yeah, that's how much time I was dedicating to an unpaid internship), that I'll be able to get myself caught up on projects relatively quickly, and finally be able to focus on getting back on the fit-train. I just need to take a moment to figure myself out, get things talked through with a bunch of people and get my life back on track first.

I love you all, and love the support you've been able to give me since the start of my journey. I especially love those of you who already know what's been going on, and have been there with me every step of the way. Thank you, for anchoring me to reality and not letting me drift of to my horrible places. I'm getting better, I promise. <3

Body Acceptance. It's kinda a cool thing.

So. Listen. 

All of my life, I've had this huge problem with my body. Not just certain parts of it . . . just. All of the things.

Normally, in conversation, I bash my own body for having an obnoxious fat roll here, or my boobs are too small, or my arms are all jiggly.

I kinda discovered something tonight though, after hanging out with two of my favorite people. 

I love my body. I really do. It's kinda been a more frequent occurrence, especially this past weekend after looking in the mirror on Saturday morning and saying to myself "Well . . . Shit, girl. You're not even wearing a bra, and you're looking good!"

Working out has made me so much happier with where my body is. Things are still progressing and toning/firming up, which is awesome. Chunk is very slowly disappearing, and I've even noticed it's lifted quite significantly. Which at first was really strange, but then I realized . . . if it's lifting, that means I'm toning something right. The fat may not be disappearing at this very moment, but everything else underneath is shifting and moving where it needs to be.

My legs? I love them. They're curvy, my thighs are getting more slender with each workout - at least, that's how it seems. My waist is literally shrinking (down an inch and a half since the beginning of the month) and all in all - everything is looking up, and good, and fantastic. 

I even got to a certain point today where I looked at myself in the mirror, in one of my bras and said: "Well. Now I seriously feel like I'm overcompensating." 

Wanna know why? I'll tell you a secret. 

I've been wearing push-up bras basically since I started wearing underwire bras. Mainly because I was so ashamed of my itty-bitty boobs. See. There's this thing in my family - a curse we call it, where every woman has a decent set of ta-tas. And I'm not just talking like, C cup. I'm talkin' double D's. Somehow though . . . It skipped a generation. I'm the only woman on my mother's side of the family who has really tiny boobs.

Someone actually commented on mine the other day about how "There was just the right amount" and I didn't have the balls to tell them that most of what they saw was padding. 

Now. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for bras that give amazing cleavage. I know I have what it takes (at least) to give me that. I can even get a good cleave-line in a sports bra, if it's the right one.

I honestly think though, that after I wear these current bras out, and after my ribs shrink to the point where the band doesn't fit me anymore - I'm going to give up my extreme push-up bras. Because you know what? I've actually learned to love my boobs. I want to be able to finally have someone knock into me and actually feel the pain of an elbow to the boob. I want them to shine, in all of their itty, bitty glory, and just say "Oh. Hey guys! Look! I'm tiny and proud!"

They're tiny. They're perky. They're never going to give me problems. I can go without wearing a bra, and 9 times out of 10, people don't notice. They're even, finally, starting to look proportionate to my body, which was another big reason as to why I was constantly wearing push-up bras . . . because my top half didn't balance out with my bottom half. My gut stuck out farther than my boobs, and for me, it felt so damn embarrassing. 

So. Here's to body acceptance. Here's to me gradually learning to love all of the things about myself, and embracing everything that makes me, me. 

Rock on, Tiny Boobs. Rock on. <3

Life just makes me so happy.

I saw my old nutrition professor today. She has her class right next to where I work, and I figured "Well, she was so excited to see how I was doing last time that I should say hi."

I printed out my "before and during" picture to see if I could jog her memory on who I was - and she sure as hell remembered! She just looked at me all smiley saying "I'm so proud of you." I just wanted to hug her - and I did. Hahaha. I probably looked like a freak in front of her whole class, but I couldn't give a what. 

She even said that I should keep in touch with her and proceeded to give me her email address, her cell phone number and her home phone number, in case I had any questions about anything! 

And honestly, I've been feeling a little under the weather this week - I think I have a cold heading my direction, so working out has been replaced by ample amounts of sleeping. I have, however, been really good about counting my calories though. Nothing less than 1200.

I'm really hoping I can get back to working out tonight though, if I don't feel like I'm going to collapse from exhaustion. My body is honestly starting to miss it. 

It's been a good week, overall. :) I love reconnecting with people. <3

Huh? You wanna know how I've been doing what?

I. Am just. So in love with life right now.

Threw four mugs on the wheel today, which was awesome. Reconnected with an old friend, which was awesome. And? The sweet, sweet people in my ceramics class asked me how I was losing so much weight.

You know what this means?

I'm not crazy!

My scale? Yeah. It can go suck a big one. I weighed myself this morning and it said 161.

The lovely people in the class though made comments about how much of a difference they could see between this semester and last semester. So. Happy. Like. Over the moon. Only makes me wanna go home and work out that much harder and drink that much more water.

Dream bod, here I come! :D

(Currently too excited to even detail right now. Woo!)

Bad times. They happen.

So. It definitely feels like it's been waaaay past a week since my last update, even though it really hasn't been.

Needless to say, last week wasn't so great. I ate like crap, and even though I worked out, it was still just a bad week. Didn't drink nearly enough water, and somehow my weight fluctuated back up to 164 even though I didn't think I ate that horribly. Evidently I was . . . wrong? I don't know. I'm praying that part of it is water weight. I think my scale and I need to be spending even less time together. I did, however, go out to dinner three times this past week - Dad's birthday, exciting family news, and went to the ballet, so the roomie and I treated ourselves to something nice. Even though I tried to behave, I feel like I could have pushed myself over the edge of my calorie limit easily.

I'm getting a little flustered with my scale though, so I've officially taken to measuring my body with a tape measure, rather than relying on my scale, because the thing is driving me up a wall. 

I know this might be a bad thing to say, but I honestly want to stop going out to eat, I think. At least until I get to where I need to be. Well. Maybe just for the rest of February. Doesn't seem like that hard of a thing to do, and it's not like I went out to eat a lot anyway. I'm talking everything too - no bars, no clubs, no alcohol, no restaurants - if I can't straight-up see the calories in it, I don't wanna eat it. I've got just under three months to get to where I want to be, or at least damn near close, and it's time to put the pedal to the metal on it.

Welp. Chin up, buttacup. Just gonna keep pushing forward. First week of February, not so great. Second week is gonna be bitchin'. I got this.

Oh, hey scale. Nice of you to join the party!

Officially broke 160 today. :)

Granted, by .4 pounds, but I'm officially under 160. Which is awesome, because honestly, for a while there, I was getting pissed. Not at myself, because I knew I was working so damn hard and my body was visibly changing, but at the fact that the numbers just weren't matching how I was feeling. I mean. I can't be 5'4", work out for 4 weeks straight, look like I'm losing weight and still weigh the same. 

Good news is, I don't. :)

I read a post on Tumblr (get used to that, I'm addicted) that it takes four weeks for your body to start showing progress of the steps you've been taking. Well. I think that may very well be true. Hahaha. Like I said in my last post, my back is slimming out, my collarbones are really starting to pop, and honestly? I like the way I look in my undies WAY better than I like how I look clothed. Hahaha. 

Things are just starting to look tighter. Not so "Oh, hey, I look like a lump of lard." And one of the biggest problems that I'm dealing with right now is pants. The pair of jeggings that I normally go by have a higher waist that fit my stomach really well when I first got them and was upwards of 170. Now that I'm 159 and shrinking . . . they don't like to stay in place. Which inevitably means they like to slip, ever so annoyingly, just below my stomach, making it hang over my pants a bit. 

Now. I know that when I'm not wearing these jeggings, and I'm in yoga pants or in my undies . . . this isn't a problem. I suppose when they straight up fall off my butt, it's time for new pants, and I'm just gonna have to deal with it for now. 

One of the downfalls of losing weight: clothes not fitting right anymore and actually making you look far worse than you look/feel. Hahaha. 

So. Yeah. I'm on much better terms with my scale now. :)

Oh, the beauty of working out.

It's kinda funny how hyper-aware of yourself you become when you're on a weight-loss journey. I mean, I've always been really aware of how I carry myself, and how my body moves. Now though . . . Now I'm like, super-DUPER aware of how things move.

Because of this, I'm actually really excited about taking progress shots tonight. I normally take them every Friday or Saturday, but I've kinda been chompin' at the bit to take this batch. Wanna know why?

Because I can see changes. Finally. I mean, I always knew they were happening, but I'm finally starting to see things. All week long, I've felt extraordinarily . . . compact. Maybe not super fit, but I definitely feel like things don't jiggle nearly as much as they used to. My belly specifically. Things just feel smoother, and more toned. Go me!

I also noticed today that my back is smoothing out quite significantly.

And. The kicker?

You know how I'm slightly obsessed with collar bones? Well. They're back, in all of their glory, but that's nothing too entirely new. The new part is the little divot between the collar bones. On me, they've kinda just looked like this the entire time: ------     -------

Now? They're sloooowly starting to look like this: ------ u ------

I mean. For the most part, it just depends on what lighting you catch them in and how I sit, but I'm so excited. Those are the only bones I ever want to be visible. Everything else needs a nice layer of muscles and a liiiiittle layer of fat to protect them. M'kay? M'kay.

The only frustrating bit is that even though I can physically see my body changing, the scale is still stagnant. I already know that it's nothing for me to fret over, because the scale doesn't track progress, it just weighs everything and I've been at this for four weeks now. Progress is evidently happening. So my scale can suck it.

I've been drinking water like a beast, eating ample amounts of fruits, veggies and protein, and I've even been adding some regular carbs back in - a piece of toast here or a little bit of pasta there.

Basically, I'm trying to stay eating as green and lean as humanly possible, while reminding myself that if I deny myself things, it's only going to lead to binging. So. No denying, just eating little bits here and there.

Anywho. Finishing up work. Then heading home to work out. So much happy in my life right now.

And thank god for tumblr keeping me constantly motivated. <3

I'll never go back.

People say not to look at old pictures of yourself, because you're supposed to forget the past.

I look back at my old pictures and think, "Damn, girl. Look at how far you've come."

<3

The awful truth of the panniculus.

Wtf is that, right? I mean . . . sounds like some horrible disease, right?

Well. In reality, it's actually not as bad as it sounds, but is something that I, myself have been dealing with ever since I can remember. 

Most girls that I know of dream of having this flat, tight, smooth belly that looks just like the Hollywood stars. For most of the girls I know, it's also achievable. For me though . . . I've always wondered if it was possible, due to this . . . panniculus thing.

Before a few weeks ago, I honestly just thought it was called "extra flab on the stomach," or as I have so cruelly come to name mine: "sub-chunk."

Panniculus is basically excessive fat that actually hangs over and actually can even (if it hangs low enough, and isn't cleaned properly) lead to ulcers on the skin. Thankfully, mine isn't anywhere near that, but never the less, it's something that has always kept me from running around in a string-cut panty, and has always left me incredibly self conscious.

Believe it or not, it's pretty much been where most of my self-loathing stemmed from. I always thought to myself "who the hell is going to want to look at that?" 

For the longest time, thanks to the media, I honestly thought that the only way to get rid of it was through surgery, and what 13 year old girl wants to live her life thinking that the only way she can be happy with herself is to go under the knife? 

Thanks to the growing interest in health and fitness online, though, I've been able to learn that surgery is not the only way to make it go away. 

Wanna know what will?

Determination. Willpower. Exercise. Eating right. Lots of water.

That's right. Everything that I've been doing, will actually make it go away. I've heard it could take a very long time to do it, but hey, I'm in it to win it.

So, coming from a girl who has been dealing with hating her body since she was an adolescent . . . please, reassure the ones you love that giving up and succumbing to the media isn't the only option. Hope is always there if you have the drive to reach your goals. Support them, love them, do everything you can in your power to make their mission a little easier. It really does help.

<3

Wow. Just. Wow. (Good wow)

I legitimately just spent about a half an hour on tumblr. Which, for me, is big, because I'm not a tumblr person. But, just for shits and giggles, I decided I'd create a new "thinspo" tumblr to keep me going. Let's face it, this past week as been pretty shitty. I see differences, but the scale doesn't, and unfortunately, I've been getting really down on myself about it all. 

Being on tumblr today though, looking through the "FITspo" (new term I'm adopting, rather than thinspo), made me realize something.

Part of losing weight isn't just about going through the motions and doing everything right. You also have to be in the right mindset, which I haven't been. I started out there, sure, but as the weeks start to pass, I'm getting more and more critical about everything that I do and eat. Which of course is only stressing me out, which in turn makes the weight linger. 

So, I'm not gonna go there anymore. I'm not going to get on my scale every morning (yeah, yeah, I know. I shouldn't, but I'm a little obsessed) and hate myself for supposedly gaining a pound. My scale and me? We're gonna see some other people. Do some other things, and we'll see each other once a week. That's it. In between, I'm going to feel the way my body tells me to feel. 

My jeans? They're getting looser. Almost by the day. I'm developing a case of what I like to call "saggy-ass," where the ass of my jeans just . . . sags, and no longer holds the position of where my butt actually is.

And I'm going to stop beating myself up over having a small piece of lasagna, or sushi every few days or so. Something that I honestly forgot is that one pound is the equivalent to 3500 calories. There's no way that a small piece of lasagna and 500 calories worth of sushi is making me gain the mystery weight. Evidently, my body is reacting to something else, and it's not a matter of not doing anything right, it's a matter of my body just saying "Oh, hey, today? Yeah. Just avoid the scale, trust me, you don't wanna see that number, but I'm okay! Really!"

Also? Water. Water, water, water. It's a beautiful substance that I don't drink nearly enough of. I've started carrying my water bottle around with me almost everywhere that I go. The problem is, I almost always either leave it in my bag, or on the desk, and don't touch it. I'm just never thirsty.

However. I noticed on Tumblr - every time I saw something about drinking water . . . I drank some water. My water bottle is now almost empty, and I've peed twice since starting work at 9:00 this morning. Lots of water + lots of trips to the bathroom = flushing out lots of toxins. Go. Me. I'm officially going to post more things around the office about drinking water, making sure that I actually do it. 

So. Here's an augmentation to my New Years resolution: It's not just about losing weight. It's about feeling good. It's about thinking yourself fit. I will not get on the scale every morning and beat myself up over numbers. I will go by what my body and my clothes start to tell me.

That being said, bring it on, bitches.

Today, my butt smiled at me.

Yes. You read that right. And here's the explanation:

I have this habit, when I work out, of going over to my mirror occasionally to see if I carry myself differently after I do certain exercises. They say that doing core workouts is supposed to give you better posture and such.

Well. I turned around to see how my overall body progress was going, and yes, I looked at my ass. See. The thing is. For a very long time, the shape of my butt looked very similar to this: (_|_) - very flat on the bottom. Unless I was in jeans. 

Today, though, I actually noticed that where my butt met my thighs wasn't flat anymore. And this was in yoga pants. Today, my butt actually looked somewhat like a normal butt. I'd even go as far as to say it's turning into an "apple bottom." Oh yeah. Went there.

Too much talk about butts?

Sorry. I'm excited. I told you progress was happening! Stair-stepping is definitely doing the glutes some good. :D

Also, I know I said once a week, but evidently . . . the more excited I am, the more I'm gonna post stuff. Hahaha. Until next time!

The beginning of the end!?

Whelp. New year brings about new changes, as well as the reminder that my days of hiding behind the educational system and avoiding the real world is about to come to an end. Luckily, being in a place of good mind, and getting better, I actually don't feel too bad about it. A little spooked, but not really.

Being 16 days into the new year also means I'm only 1 day away from completing the first 17 days of my diet. I have to do a little more reading (because I forgot) about what comes next. I know I can eat more starchy veggies, like squash, and a little bit of slow-digesting carbs, but I don't remember which ones.

As far as progress goes, it's actually been really minimal, or at least, that's what the scale as been telling me. I'm still, supposedly, at 161 (says the new digital scale that I bought the other day), but definite changes can be seen on my body. My hips are more slender, my torso is more slender - so perhaps it's muscle being gained? My workout consists of 20 minutes of stair-stepping cardio, around 20 wide pushup, 20 tricep pushups, 20 pikes on the yoga ball, 50 crunches, 25 bicep curls, about 15 lateral raises, and about 25 mason twists . . . so, I dunno.

It also doesn't help that the old scale got to the point where it was so inacurate that there was a 5 pound difference in a matter of 30 seconds. For all I know, I was closer to the 170 range when I started, and now I'm down to the 160 range. Who knows. All I do know is that I officially have a scale with nice big digital numbers that is now telling me "OH. HEY. Your butt? 161. Sorry to disappoint."

Faith has not been lost, by any means, just a minor bit of disappointment. Like I also said, visible changes are happening. Numbers are just different than I expected them to be.

So, though the first 17 days almost is officially over and the scale says I haven't made any progress, working out will continue to happen at least 5 days a week (Monday and Thursday I have work/class from 9:00am to 10:00pm) as well as continuing to eat right and mentally kicking my ass into gear.

I also have to start drinking more water . . . starting to realize I don't do that enough during the day. Good thing I have a plethora of Hello Kitty waterbottles to keep me going. Hahaha.

So. Progress. Slow, but happening. :)

Yay for recipes!

So, as promised, I bring you the recipe for the stuffed cabbage concoction that I made the other night! Now, if anyone feels like tweaking it, I'd love to hear what you added/omitted to see how you all love your stuffed cabbage! It really is super simple, less time consuming, and good, it even got Mama's seal of approval when I remembered to add the ketchup. Hahaha. 

The ketchup that I'm using is the Heinz Reduced Sugar ketchup, which, honestly, doesn't taste any different than their regular ketchup, but it only has 1 gram of carbs. At first, it took me a while to hunt it down, because it apparently used to be called "Heinz 1 Carb Ketchup" 

There's what the bottle looks like. Obviously, you don't have to hunt for the reduced carb ketchup if you have a huge bottle of regular in the house, but overall it's just a new staple in my diet, it's a super easy way to cut carbs without really having to think too hard about it.

Also, I prefer to use the portabella mushrooms in this recipe as opposed to the white mushrooms, simply because of the meaty taste they have. Some people aren't a huge fan of ground turkey, but by adding the mushrooms, I feel like it adds that taste that doesn't even make you think twice about whether it's beef or poultry. So, without further adieu, on to the directions!

Not-So-Stuffed Cabbage

Ingredients

1 tbsp olive oil

1 lb ground turkey

1 medium (ish) onion, diced

1/2 head of savoy cabbage (the wrinkly kind), sliced

1 pint portabella mushrooms, roughly chopped

1/4 cup water

1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes

1 can (6 oz) tomato paste

1/4 cup reduced sugar ketchup

Parsley

Salt and Pepper to taste

Now! On to directions! Woo!

1. Cut your veggies

Cut the half of the cabbage in half again, and remove the core.



Then, I lay it back on it's side, slice it in half again horizontally:

And lastly, slice it into strips

The onions, I just do a quick dice on, and the mushrooms I give a rough chop so they're not so huge.

2. Smear the oil and brown your turkey!

Because I used a larger braising pan this time around, it's not non-stick. If you're using a non-stick pan, you can choose to omit the olive oil. And because I'm always worried that it's not enough oil, I actually used a rubber spatula to smear the oil around the pan before turning the heat on, that way I know I have even coverage.

Add the meat, and let it do it's thing on medium-high. :)

2. Turn the heat down and add the onions
 

Turn the flame/cooktop down to a medium/medium-low temp and add the onions in, letting them sweat it out a bit. After they're semi-translucent and yummy smelling, proceed to numero 3!

3. Add cabbage, mushrooms and water. Cover and let simmer, stirring occasionally.

Go ahead, toss it in, give it a tiny stir (if you can . . . I have a habit of making a mess though, so I pretty much just lightly pushed it around after this trying to make it all stay in the pan). Cover, and let simmer for about 15 minutes, I'd say, stirring every few minutes or so as the cabbage starts to cook. The water just helps the cabbage to get that steaming without worrying about the cabbage or any other ingredients sticking to the pan.

Here it is after it's cooked down a little bit:

4. Add diced tomatoes, tomato paste, ketchup, parsley, salt and pepper.

Once the cabbage is mostly cooked, you can go ahead and toss all the remaining ingredients in, let it heat up and cook the cabbage until your desired tenderness, and that's it! You're done!

5. Eat up, and enjoy. :)

 Calorie wise, for those who are counting:

4 servings - 390 calories

Now, how you serve this is honestly up to you. For now, I just put it in a bowl and eat it as is, being on an essentially carb-free diet. However, I can imagine that served over a bed of brown rice, or if you feel like splurging, a bed of mashed potatoes would be awesome. And as far as how much it makes, it really depends on how you serve it. If you do choose to serve it over rice or potatoes, then you could definitely make it 4 servings no problem. If it's all your eating though, like I do, it's about 2 and a snack size serving. Haha. 

So. I really hope you find this much easier than making standard stuffed cabbage, and enjoy it as much as I do! Good luck, and let me know how it turns out!

All hail the turkey burger! . . . And other things!

Whelp, my faithful followers, it's the (almost) end of week one! (Insert mini-victory dance right about here.)

Believe it or not, it has been the less annoying, stressful, downright pitiful first dieting week I've had in a looong time, and yes, there's been a lot of firsts. Haha. Why do I say this though? Simply because I've never been so motivated, even though it's only day six. Generally, this is where I hit the "Jesus. Enough of the damn vegetables! " stage. I know, so soon.

Anywho. I've been finding myself balancing between getting creative every few nights, with things we just have in the house, and just grabbing yogurt/eating a turkey burger (sans bun, obviously).

Actually, I'm quite in love with how easy it is to throw a turkey burger on the grill and have something tasty that's nothing but pure protein (essentially). I had that and one of these spinach souffle things that are delicious for dinner, but I think I'm gonna have to limit the spinach things to once/twice a week - only because they do have a bit of potato and rice flour in them. Not that it's SUPER cheating, considering it's mainly spinach and egg, but it still feels like baby-cheating. 

One thing I've really been playing with is cabbage. Personally? I friggin' love cabbage. Always have. St. Patty's day is like, heaven for me. All of the cabbage. It actually started when I wasn't feeling well and mom told me to make some soup, but I didn't quite want soup. I ended up making cabbage-turkey soup with ground turkey, savoy cabbage (it's the one that looks all wrinkly), chicken broth, salt, pepper, parsley and dried chives. That was it! And it was actually really good, hit the spot just right and even made me feel significantly better later that night. 

The other night I still had this half a head of the cabbage laying about in the fridge, so I thought to myself . . . why don't I make something like stuffed-cabbage, without the rice? So I did! It was actually REALLY good. Unfortunately, when you're on this type of diet, you have to make it mass quantity, because I made a 10 inch skillet full of it, and at half of it by myself, no problem. Haha. Upside - It's all veggies and protein! (For those of you looking for the recipe, I'll post it on here once I get everything written down and figured out for sure.)

Another thing that I really want to talk about is a term that I've just recently been told about: Thinspo. Now. From what I've been told, it has a generally negative connotation because the concept primarily revolves around wonderfully healthy, beautiful girls who are already a healthy size, craving to be in a size 00. No joke, one post I saw on Tumblr about it was a girl wishing she could see her ribs, or another girl wanted that triangle that scary-skinny girls get between their cooter and their thighs, so their thighs never actually touch. Some of it's just straight-up horrible, but some girls do it right. 

I believe there was an Aussie girl who was somewhere up near the 230 range who had successfully dropped down to 135 (the healthy way), but she posted all of her "thinspo" things on her Tumblr too. 

The whole concept is that you just post things that inspire you to be thin - thinspiration, or, thinspo. 

My shameless thinspo? 

Lady Gaga, as seen in Marry the Night and Bad Romance. Holy wow. 

Judge as you will, I can't give a what. Love the girl, no matter how bat-shit crazy she may be. Here's what I'm talkin' about though: 

Super image heavy, I know, but do you all see what I'm talking about? I don't know how photoshopped she is in her own music videos, but even when she's bent completely backwards and lying down, you only see a hint of ribs. And her arms? They aren't disgustingly skinny. Or the shot of her in the red outfit - there's no visible pelvic bones there. She doesn't look scary. She's got a decent amount of meat on her. Now, I know my body is not Lady Gaga's body, but I can at least aspire to look close. 

I want to be thin, and fit. Not a stick. I've got new tunes to rock out to, and a whole lot of excerise routines to keep me going. I also understand that this is a serious undertaking. Lady Gaga, in the Bad Romance video, I believe was about 5'3" and 120 pounds. That's actually really healthy for her. For 5'4", which I know I am, the healthy weight is between 108 and 132, depending on frame size. At the moment, if I can even make it to 135 by April, I'll be over the moon. We'll see. I know that I've got my work cut out for me, and there's no such thing as cutting corners here. If I'm gonna do this, I have to do it the right way, and really stick to my guns. 

Luckily, I've found that writing in my personal journal every night really does keep me on top of things. It also keeps the super-bitchy comments away from the internet and all to me onesies. Anywho. Sorry for the super long blog! Just thought I'd share what's going on so far. :)

Oh, and? 160. Progress is happening. :)

Oh. Hey, 2012!

Well. If it isn't that time of year again! Time for empty promises to myself and a few weeks of endless hours in the gym, right? Then we'll call it quits, right? Because, let's face it. Being fit is time, energy and money sapping.

Well. As much as that may be true, I'm on a mission to avoid that. I've already proven to myself that the goal is possible, albeit time consuming and hardcore. However, I'm officially armed with the means to say "there's no reason why I can't stick to my guns this time." We got an Xbox for the family for Christmas, which now means that

1. I don't have to fight with my brother to use his to use my Kinect
2. I can finally work out in the morning without having to take a whole gym bag to school with me - I can just work out at home
3. There's  no excuse for me not to work out anymore. It's all right here, at home. I've got my yoga ball, dumbells, and my Kinect which has all sorts of cardio games, as well as the "YourShape" game, which is nothing but workout programs.

All that being said, the 17 day diet has commenced once more! I'll be posting weekly updates here, whereas all of my bitching will be contained to a personal daily journal. :) Also, some serious consideration is being put into pairing up with another friend who's doing the Master Cleanse about a vlog to really keep us motivated. Lots of stuff coming in 2012, that's for sure!

Start weight: 162
Goal weight: 132

Goal date: April 2012

Let's do this. :)